Noah's Monthly Update

I had a weird new shift: the attention as a floating, spherical magnifying glass, lighting up whatever object it travels to as the center of the field.  The location in the body is no longer “home base” since it now flows around in a dance-like dynamic. Said another way, there is an enhanced sense of physical displacement, merging with objects of attention & knowledge of/connection with them.  
With this comes newfound connections between objects dancing together.  An intangible relationship between points in the field which are touching (despite apparent distance) or at least connected via living strings of electricity.  There were some moments when it seemed that planes of space were bending around me, or that it all became a level surface, like the movie Flatland.
This all seems to be a natural clarification & extension of vast, clear, centerlessness, rather than a conflict with it.  Things are where they are in space, from their vantage point, the center of the whole &…

As I continued the mindfulness this month, the slight problemness of space (from last month) dissolved in a cessation & did not return.  The sense of directional axes (i.e. facing forward) went away in one fell swoop, like the last bit of solid food being processed in a blender.  It feels now like the blooming of cognizance is fused or molded into the space it occupies in a more refined manner that is less tainted by size & orientation.  In general, the “noise volume” of the field has allowed me to tolerate negative emotions, physical pain & craving more effectively.
This “noise volume” effect is continuing to cause consistent therapy-type shifts.  Early knots being resolved, ever-increasing openness in relationships, self-acceptance & a good “letting go” cry here and there.  These things really do seem to cause reductions in conventional tension which abide & stabilize, which is pretty cool. Particularly since that weird chest kriya from last month I can frequentl…

A lot happened in November.  There were many aspects of practice coming forward.  In general, there was a greater focus on new kinds of integration & much conventional “success.”

Working with one of my mentors, I have begun to embrace the importance of ego development, which is evolving the conceptual mind into an expression of perceptual nonduality.  By rewatching an online series called Crash Course, on history, I discovered many moments of contemplation which seemed to be reordering my inner paradigms & belief systems. There is a particular sense of the overall patterning of human activity, the tendency for history to repeat itself, the tendency for apocalyptic attitudes in each generation, for humans to seek for good-bad things to grab onto rather than the inconvenient ambiguity of reality.  Alongside this, there is a greater sense of ease unfolding; seeing everyone as basically similar, all members of the human family in the animal kingdom (including myriad biological imp…

These things continued from prior months: new baseline perception; good sleep; no medications; new exemplar; formal practice of intense mindfulness intervals. I went on retreat with the same curriculum & teacher as the one from July. It was clear that I had mastered a good deal of the material. I also got insight into the importance of concentration as an off cushion operating system. I had various minor clarifications of the warmth, omnidirectionality & centerlessness of knowing.

I began to understand the importance of altruism & how the bodhisattva path looks in a literal, contemporary, pragmatic way. Generosity is more than just a practice to create space in one’s mind & express the emptiness in one’s immediate life: it is also about how you affect the larger field. I noticed this begin to make it easier to be productive & disciplined. These insights led into burgeoning thoughts on the map of ego development, which continued into November.

 At the advice …

The insomnia cure continued from August.  I also got off my other medication this month, accomplishing a goal I’ve been working towards since starting this path in 2013.  I felt a mild uptick in grumpiness in the first couple weeks, but then that went away & I didn’t feel any different from being on the meds.  I started using light therapy & melatonin (low dose, early) to further optimize my sleep, increase daytime energy & decrease lingering irritation.  Energy from the light allowed reduced caffeine intake.
Things have been very slow moving around ‘getting things done.’  In a debate with my newer mentor, I concluded that nondual perception won’t fix my aversion & there is no replacement for executive functioning.  I was able to do chores slightly more consistently & narrowed down my recurring task list, but still feel obstacles around motivation, time & energy.  I obsessed a lot around dating & psychology stuff. Also slow moving, but tension around that…

During the beginning of August, the shift into whole-knowing from July continued.  However, the knowing did not seem to be fully bloomed or unfolded into the expansive screen upon which experiences arises.  I practiced toggling back & forth between these foreground & background consciousnesses until they seemed to partially blend together.  This took place off cushion, over two weeks.
In the second half of August, I did more formal sitting, practicing the sequence from the July retreat.  The instructions on investigation of boundaries proved to be fruitful.Even while direct perception seemed fairly open, the secondary conceptual structures of personality, emotion, body, other people, society, the world, time, personal meaning & the path seemed to bust open when I pointed my awareness at them.  Through the course of maybe 15 or 20 repetitions of the retreat instructions, it felt as if I was “clearing the fields.”This left the sense of a melted spread of non-identity thinly d…

In the first week of July, I attended a retreat (alongside other SPUDS) with the spiritual friend that I have been working with since February 2017.  Interacting in person allowed me to pick up aspects of body-language & general integration that I would not have otherwise. The concepts taught helped guide me towards a more service-oriented view of the path, as well as a matured understanding of the intersection of personal practice & society.  The techniques taught helped me understand the nuances of motivation, emotional stability, concentration, investigation & choiceless awareness. I specifically realized that I could use my facility with freestyle noting to “hack” breath concentration.
Some of the deepest psychotherapeutic healing I’ve ever had occurred & have continued over 2 months later (time of this writing).  I found myself crying multiple times as early life memories arose & evaporated, leaving a greater sense of independence & confidence in my abili…