I had a few more mini shifts in the first week of the month that have persisted as baseline adjustments. The first two occurred through powerful cessations. One felt like it switched the circuit-breaker of my automatic vedana from “aversion” to “neutral,” loosening my irritation. The other increased equanimity around negative emotions and thoughts; I suddenly feel like I can invite all the paradoxes, irritations, thrills, joys and fears into one room to sit on the couch as one happy family. This set the stage for the third, which was more major. I was sitting at work, talking to my higher self, when this still, small voice told me: you need to give this life a chance, and stop assuming that everything is a problem, it’s not “bipolar disorder,” it’s called having a freakin’ personality, relax, breathe… welcome to Earth. I took the deepest, most joyful breath of my life, and looked out the window, seeing some birds flying next to swaying trees. Energetically, it didn’t feel like an insight knowledge, maybe low-eq. But sensorially, something synched up. The vastness of the sensory field seamlessly fused with the crystal-clear, clean knowingness taking place as this attentional process. It felt like the attention plugged into the wall socket of background awareness. Now it feels like the two are an inseparable feedback loop of infinity: a figure eight of sorts.
Since this time, doing mundane life things has become easier. Don’t get me wrong; I still work my ass off to improve myself, but that is just who I am. I’m doing a lot of mind hacks and life hacks.
The mind hacks are a Theravadan “antidote method” of sorts. Obsessing? Block it out. Horny? Think of disgusting bodies. Gluttonous? Think of disgusting food. Self-absorbed? Learn about others. Etc., down the line. I do this method every time an undesirable trait comes up (sometimes 30 times a day for one technique). In two months, I’ve dramatically decreased many of them.
The life hacks are my own inventions to adapt to circumstances. I’ve designed and enacted, chore lists, meal plans (2 weeks of them now), career development plans, nifty ways to cheaply improve home decor, easy access exercise (hot yoga, 3x weekly), practicing certain dating skills to finally ‘master’ this area (despite inconsistent, past success), increasing my fund of knowledge by watching YouTube vids, etc.
I drew a couple sketchy diagrams illustrating this habit formation here: http://noahsmonthlyupdate.blogspot.com/2016/10/october-2016-appendix.html
The point of all these hacks is to live the supramundane 8fold path: reduce stress on every level (not just fundamental duality) for myself and others; gain enough skills so that life can go on autopilot and the light of awareness can always shine forth but also build detachment, contentment and equanimity alongside success to balance it all out.
I still practice anapana and bodywork constantly off-cushion, but it’s become second nature to me: it doesn’t feel ‘constant’ it feels like something my mind wants to do. I still get waves of dukkha nanas/bipolar mixed states during the day some days, but I am able to either observe them equanimously, or delete them within 30 minutes via gladdening the mind.
Towards the end of the month I got hired at a major company in my city, which I symbolically feel like a sort of reward for all the hard work and improvements I’ve made. It’s going to be intense and competitive but lots of fun. I’m ready now where I never was before.
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