A note on “micro shifts” - It seems that these types of things are happening so commonly now (about 5 a month) that they it is imprecise to call them “shifts.” I suppose this is just a pattern of gradual progression. That being said, I did seem to have some newfound clarity on the emotional end of things at the beginning of this month. I had an interaction with a person that triggered a feeling of connection. After investigating for 4 days I noticed that I had slightly more baseline access to metta than before.
On the 9th I met a new spiritual friend that I will be working with in addition to Richard. This friend suggested that I try a visualization exercise which is to imagine the “perfect parent.” This is a 2nd-person, relational mode of meditation, which is new to me. The main points are to feel protection, attunement and love.
I started by focusing on an amorphous sense of beingness which was transmitting these three qualities. After about 10 days of doing this technique fairly continuously, something “popped.” A 15 foot eagle-like creature had appeared (somewhat faintly) in my mental space. With research, I found that this being seemed to match the description of the Tibetan Khyung. Before researching, I had noticed the being breathed fire and flew in outer space. I later found that these qualities are associated with the Khyung. I worked on relating to this being for a week. These included visions of flying on the being’s back in outer space, merging with the being and experiencing the being purifying family trauma and pockets of tension in my body.
Since then I’ve switched to just imagining human parents which feels a lot more intimate, attachment-oriented and “deeply human” (which is the point of the exercise anyway). I’ve been doing this fairly relentlessly off cushion so it will be good to see what another month does. There does seem to be some feeling of safety and warmth developing.
The detachment I’ve gained in previous months is definitely holding up. Whenever I go to criticize myself about certain materialistic things now (i.e. not making enough money, poor style or physique, messy room, etc) I notice my mind automatically rerouting into appreciation at the things I do have and a certain light airiness around the criticism. There is the sense that I have lost capability of fully buying into storylines which do not have to deal with the direct cause-and-effect of survival needs. Whatever this is, it is a nice add-on, since these types of details could take up quite a bit of bandwidth in the recent past.
In terms of morality, I am definitely getting closer to the “good enough” point where I can coast on autopilot. I discovered I have hypertension and am working with a doctor on lifestyle changes to bring that number down. And the financials are still slow to come as my career is in it’s very early stages. However, it would have been just 1.5 years ago that either of these two situations would have crippled me with anxiety. Now they are quite workable. Once these two aspects fall in line, working detachment, appreciation and discipline can take care of the rest of mundane life.
As a last note: our local pragmatic dharma group continues to expand! It’s been a lot of fun meeting these new friends and it is an exciting experiment which may be beginning to show that this thing can consistently work off-line.
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