March 2017

Note: I also had another huge perceptual shift, which I describe at the bottom of this log.

One thing I forgot to mention about last month is that I had 5 nightmares in a row at one point, but this effect has not continued (I don’t usually remember my dreams).  As mentioned at the end of my previous log, I switched to imagining humans only throughout this month.  I began to explore the 3rd phase of the technique, which is to perfect parent all beings.  I imagined lots of loving hugs, kisses, attending to different people, attending to all people, etc.  I had some powerful visuals & energetics at times.  I then discovered the “logic” of the 2nd phase (become the perfect parent): if I can powerfully imagine that I am the child of these beings, then I do not have any bad karma, trauma, blockages, etc.  How does that feel in my body and mind?  That became the 2nd phase.  

I began to rotate between the 1st, 2nd & 3rd phases, doing one full day of on/off cushion for each.  The logical sequencing of the phases is obvious: these beings love me → I’m their child so I’m made of the same ‘stuff’→ I perform the same function as them.  I did between 3 & 8 hours  of formal meditation per week (fairly inconsistent).  I continued to have powerful, “firework” type experiences as well as tapping into a sense of deep love and trust with all 3 phases.  At one point I started uncontrollably crying in a group sit when I thought of my family dog from my childhood.

A salient feature of practice this month has been heavy, noticeable cycling between a&p & dukkha nanas.  The concentration aspect of the technique seemed to cause them.  What is wonderful is that I am able to work, have friendships and otherwise function in the world during these cycles now.  I truly, truly could not be maintaining a professional position & living independently without the support of both my therapy/morality shifts & my perceptual/wisdom insights.  What is not so wonderful is that the dukkha nanas arose in conjunction with a major job interview I had coming up.  I actually had to stop meditating for 5 days to preserve my ‘bandwidth’/energy.  

I met with my spiritual friend again & told him all about these occurrences.  He advised me to keep  going with the technique and reinforced the notion that perceptual/insight progress is not enough if the self-structure is not made whole.  He suggested a few targeted improvements to the technique, including adding metta phrases & visualizing the different chakras when I ‘become’ the perfect parent.  

And now for the good part: the shift (which happened in 2 parts)!   

Part One: On Saturday the 18th, I was sitting talking to 2 friends and I leaned back to close my eyes.  I felt this psychic force turn inwards.  In that moment, I realized that force was extra effort.  It did not need to be there; there need not be a ‘force’ that works to turn inwards.  It is all one continuous space.  The body is a hollow tube in empty physicality, leading into the mind.  With the dropping away of this force, the two big “rooms” (inner and outer) seem to have become one big room.  For context, this one was just as impactful as any of the ‘technical paths’, which expanded the sense of inner space.  My investigation from July ‘16 to March ‘17 expanded the sense of external space.  Now they’re one :)

Part Two: Then, on the 23rd, I was walking to the bus stop and I noticed how intensely bright all the colors were around me.  It was as if someone had turned up the saturation knob in Photoshop.  I felt pure, exquisite delight looking at these colors and it was as if all the objects that contained them were somehow alive and possessed with my identical ‘spirit’ or ‘consciousness.’  Also, it was like spatial ‘contrast’ was turned up as well: everything was no longer one huge space, but rather, everything was occupying its own unique x/y/z coordinates in space and the inherent value of each of these coordinates on the grid became much more obvious -- and the sense of referencing between coordinates became much less pronounced because each cube is “good enough” right where it is in the hologram.   In short: the awareness is in the object - everywhere, all at once.  This is combined with the effects from part 1.

P.S. - Our local group (SPUDS) is growing strong.  We gain new members each month through the forums or word-of-mouth.  All of our members have incredible meditation practices going.  Many of them have gotten 1st & 2nd path already.  I suspect we will become one of the longest running, largest, most attained, pragmatic dharma meetups ever.  Our stated goal is to become “one of the best sanghas since the original sangha” :P