August 2017

I had another big perceptual shift.  Leading up to it, I was practicing trying to not let coarse stress arise even for a moment by shutting it down immediately.  This is one strategy in the Thai system I have trained in.  Anyway, this latest perceptual shift has “scratched the itch” more than any other has.  Although I don’t value it as a diagnostic criteria, I do feel much closer to a sense of “doneness” per the KF school of thought.  It feels like I have just come home from a long journey & also that I now recognize, at all times, that I am just “little me” inside a larger version, “big me”, that is the world.  This shift was much moreso about processing what is “out there” but it put a big dent in my internal reactivity, which I think happens as “out there” becomes increasingly magical/wondrous.   

Here’s some phenomonology: In late 2016 I started experiencing big space around me at all times, as if my consciousness was that space.  Then in March this year, the objects within that space took on extreme vibrancy & seemed “possessed.”   This month, those two aspects effortlessly fused together such that I no longer was able to toggle between the two modes of nonduality.  Also, the vibrancy of objects previously took place on the surface of the object.  It has now deepened into a volumetric knowing which penetrates into the depth of everything.  There is a visceral, uncanny familiarity to the outside world, as if I were looking at parts of my own body or my own reflection in a mirror.  It feels like I’m “zoomed in”, as if I were looking through a microscope lens or maybe moving forward out of head & into the air around me (hard to express).  It is very pleasant.  

Subtle bodily sensations in my head & torso which previously activated when I would sense the external world (self-referencing) seem to have disappeared by about 70%.  There is slightly increased space & calmness around the body vibes which remain.  There is more space around proto-thoughts & emotions as well.  Put simply, thoughts & feelings are whispier, lighter, pass through more quickly, etc.

After this shift, I ordered & started reading the new translation of “Manual of Insight” by Mahasi Sayadaw.  I immediately recognized how much integration/conduct & concentration work is missing from the modern interpretations of this work that I have read previously.  I believe the book has a lot of what is needed to actually uproot the fetters.  In my recent efforts to break the first 3 fetters, I’ve been trying to wire in healthy habits at a deep enough level such that they permanently sustain themselves.  I realized that this is doing extra work if fetters 4 through 10 are not weakened.  So I started investigating all of them & noting which ones were most prominent in my experience at a given time.  This led to some moments of insight, which I will describe below.  

I had multiple “micro-shifts.”  These take the form of off-cushion contemplation of a given topic, paired with sensory investigation of the related patterns.  Then a rush of energy will occur through my body & it will feel like I am about to fall off a cliff (adrenaline).  If no one is watching, I will close my eyes & have a cessation.  Immediately after, when I check back in, I can ‘feel around’ & tell that something is different.  Over the next few days & weeks, I will keep checking in to confirm.  

My “micro-shifts” were related to the structural-content level.  One reduced lust & general sensory desire.  Another increased baseline attentional stability & receptivity.  Others had to do with investigating the fetters, including one around weakening all doubt & a second related to reducing the basic personhood implied by the top 5 fetters.  They’ve all stuck around but are subtle.  While these mini-dislodgings that occur through cessations are not new for me, their effect on the fetters is.

Problems & difficulties this month include a fair amount of insomnia & some stress at work.  I also continue to be unable to tackle multiple life projects at once.  For instance, I will either intensely go at meditation or intensely go at “life stuff.”  I think this is the lower 3 fetters: my OCD/perfectionism of 1 thing at a time is attachment to rites & rituals, which I have because I doubt my ability to do multiple things at once (doubt), which I have because it feels like there is someone I have to protect inside (personality view).  

I am very excited to be rid of these lower three.  I suspect that it will be so good that I will have the option to take a break from dharma for awhile.  Not that I would ever take such an option….. ;)

As a final note - Everything I’ve previously gotten from the perfect parent practice, renunciation techniques, conventional “epiphanies” & psychoemotional healings has stuck around.  There is a definite snowball effect with all of these seemingly disparate realizations synergizing.