I didn’t take very good notes this month so I suppose I’ll just write from where I am. There was quite a bit of insomnia. I’m going back on a medication for it that I have been off of for about eight months or so. It was a point of pride for me that I got off of it, but perhaps it is biological after all. I’ve tried quite a few ‘natural’ methods to treat it and none of them worked for longer than two weeks. It’s an odd thing.
I’m certainly not too ‘awakened’ to have insomnia or a host of other obstacles. I smoked MJ for the first time in a couple of years. It is legal where I live and I was trying it as a last-ditch effort for the insomnia. A side effect was a strikingly high degree of paranoia and anxiety, which is how it has affected me historically. I then did it a second time to purposely work with that negative energy. There was high resolution and lucidity around my own self-critical and self-conscious, potential patterns. I’ve resolved to be nicer to myself and practice the choiceless surrender approach that I’ve typically looked down on.
There are some basic structural qualities to my personality and ego that are slow to change and I’m having a hard time accepting them. Things like being closed off to others, self absorbed and reactive in my personality. Part of this is that I am not seeing my own strengths, the diversity of qualities in others and the bigger picture in general. This personality vortex tends to pull me in repeatedly. It has not been ‘sealed as empty,’ to borrow from Mahamudra parlance. A lot of my work so far has been to learn to manage these feelings; now I’m ok meeting them eye-to-eye.
I feel much more confident at work now, having learned to say “no” since last month. This little drama helped open the door to the aforementioned psychological content. I’m looking more into financial independence as well, having been inspired by the blog ‘Mr. Money Mustache.’ I also listened to some of Tim Ferris’ stuff about time management. These life-hack approaches interface well with the Pali Canon’s focus on mindful and frugal use of all resources one has access to. The general theme is ‘glass half full’ in the sense of being mindful of every dollar one spends, every hour one uses, the words formed, etc. In contrast to ‘glass half empty’ by assuming one’s current habits are standard (when really it is not, modern western living is incredibly wasteful) and then expecting it to take unreasonable discipline to reduce consumption.
Looking back at my log, it seems like I’ve applied a different strategy for this resource consumption every month and none of them last long. However, with the perspective of where I was a few years ago, there is an obvious and large net gain in wise behavior. So something is sticking.
The quality of my immediate sensory experience these days is quite nice. Whatever happened in August has remained. There is a volumetric knowing suffusing the entire sphere of information. The various senses are at least partially fused. Sounds, sights, touch all occur at the location in which they arise, rather than being referenced from a location ‘on this side.’ When I close my eyes, it feels like there either is no inner space, or it is not separate from the outer space. There is an integral, hedonic silence to consciousness. No one of these qualities tends to ‘pop out’ over the rest, which was not the case before August. It is all a bit exhilarating, but at the same time feels quite smooth and familiar. These aspects of experience seem to be hardwired, requiring no conscious upkeep from me.
I’m certainly not too ‘awakened’ to have insomnia or a host of other obstacles. I smoked MJ for the first time in a couple of years. It is legal where I live and I was trying it as a last-ditch effort for the insomnia. A side effect was a strikingly high degree of paranoia and anxiety, which is how it has affected me historically. I then did it a second time to purposely work with that negative energy. There was high resolution and lucidity around my own self-critical and self-conscious, potential patterns. I’ve resolved to be nicer to myself and practice the choiceless surrender approach that I’ve typically looked down on.
There are some basic structural qualities to my personality and ego that are slow to change and I’m having a hard time accepting them. Things like being closed off to others, self absorbed and reactive in my personality. Part of this is that I am not seeing my own strengths, the diversity of qualities in others and the bigger picture in general. This personality vortex tends to pull me in repeatedly. It has not been ‘sealed as empty,’ to borrow from Mahamudra parlance. A lot of my work so far has been to learn to manage these feelings; now I’m ok meeting them eye-to-eye.
I feel much more confident at work now, having learned to say “no” since last month. This little drama helped open the door to the aforementioned psychological content. I’m looking more into financial independence as well, having been inspired by the blog ‘Mr. Money Mustache.’ I also listened to some of Tim Ferris’ stuff about time management. These life-hack approaches interface well with the Pali Canon’s focus on mindful and frugal use of all resources one has access to. The general theme is ‘glass half full’ in the sense of being mindful of every dollar one spends, every hour one uses, the words formed, etc. In contrast to ‘glass half empty’ by assuming one’s current habits are standard (when really it is not, modern western living is incredibly wasteful) and then expecting it to take unreasonable discipline to reduce consumption.
Looking back at my log, it seems like I’ve applied a different strategy for this resource consumption every month and none of them last long. However, with the perspective of where I was a few years ago, there is an obvious and large net gain in wise behavior. So something is sticking.
The quality of my immediate sensory experience these days is quite nice. Whatever happened in August has remained. There is a volumetric knowing suffusing the entire sphere of information. The various senses are at least partially fused. Sounds, sights, touch all occur at the location in which they arise, rather than being referenced from a location ‘on this side.’ When I close my eyes, it feels like there either is no inner space, or it is not separate from the outer space. There is an integral, hedonic silence to consciousness. No one of these qualities tends to ‘pop out’ over the rest, which was not the case before August. It is all a bit exhilarating, but at the same time feels quite smooth and familiar. These aspects of experience seem to be hardwired, requiring no conscious upkeep from me.
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