Another eventful month. I will do my best to describe what has occurred without sounding like a striver. I am aware that, no matter how little clinging is involved in my practice, the perception of it will remain for some readers, due to my word choice. Summarized below are the primary points of progress, in rough chronological order.
1 - I have continued reading Manual of Insight by Mahasi Sayadaw & find it to be quite valuable. Specifically, the pervasive importance of the three characteristics, not just in perception or formal meditation, but at every level of being, struck out to me. Mahasi calls this “inferential knowledge” as contrasted with “empirical knowledge” one gains in meditation. It is clear that because things change, they can not be relied upon. Because they can not be relied upon, they are not satisfying. This is basically like a logical chain in programming; it applies to all things.
2 - Relatedly, I found that my repulsion practice was greatly boosted by this understanding. While the systematic cultivation of disgust towards unskillful objects & habits has been a practice of mine for awhile, part of me was hoping that the resulting upgrade to my mind-body would be somehow permanent or satisfying. However, I now realize that nothing is permanent or satisfying, so the only reason to do disenchantment practice is to cultivate a personality & worldview which sees this ever-more clearly. This supercharged my disgust practice into something I am calling my “disenchantment gun.” When I point this imaginal weapon at an unskillful object, I can feel these rays emerging & bathing the object in space, as if my inner self is backing away from it while still facing it. This means giving it space & seeing it as it is, rather than fighting or ignoring it.
3 - I started doing certain life hacks to decrease the activation energy required for healthy habits & increase for unhealthy habits. For instance, I moved my trash closer to my bed to avoid leaving things on the floor. I opened my hamper near my door to avoid throwing clothes around. I put sticky reminders telling myself to do push ups before leaving my room rather than trying to do in-depth exercise routines. I focused on just getting into the supermarket to get any food I wanted there, since anything there will be cheaper than eating out. Once inside the supermarket, I navigate to the produce section to decrease the activation energy of eating healthier foods. At work I got a standing desk to allow myself to automate exercise into my day even more by staying standing.
4 - A layer of depression seems to have lifted. I was watching Mind of a Chef on Netflix. Magnus Nillson was on, demonstrating extreme interest & reasoning behind everything he was doing in the kitchen. I realized that all of life should be like this: something which is interesting. Not necessarily super emotionally exciting, but at least intellectually interesting. With this thought, it’s like a dampening blanket was removed from my body. For the past two weeks, I have actually enjoyed doing chores, self care & non-dharma hobbies. Not in any identifiable hypo-manic or super-EQ way, just in a normal-person-who-is-interested-in-life-way.
5 - I went to some bars with a friend who I usually do that sort of thing with & had a few too many drinks. Honestly, our purpose was to go out & flirt with the opposite sex. In the week after, I continued to feel the sort of “mental imprint” that experience left on my mind. I have realized that I have a sort of aggression energy that manifests through certain situations. It’s nothing about physical harm or even being verbally hostile to other people, but rather something much more subtle about seeking control of the environment. I suddenly saw that there is absolutely nothing wrong with sexual energy or wanting to connect with other people, but these pure elements are quite unrelated to the type of anger energy which can be brought into play with alcohol & unwholesome intention. I now have the desire to avoid creating any more mental imprints such as that one & avoiding the triggers which foster this fire-like trait.
6 - Related to the point above, I have realized that it will be most skillful to learn to channel these energies inside of me - especially if I truly wish to no longer act out subtle controlling impulses upon others. The best way I know to do this is the technique I wrote about in my June & July entries, which I thought of when I went to see Amma, the hugging saint. It involves imagining a consort with the desired qualities, dissolving them into a ball of light & bringing them through your chakras starting with the crown. Then you become them & imagine yourself as their perfect consort, with whatever positive qualities you possess. Then you do the light-ball process & reform as yourself. What this seems to do is satisfy the sexual urge without external manifestation. I am extremely surprised at this, but it seems to be working to recirculate this flow in daily life. So far, this is allowing me to objectify the opposite sex much less than I normally would.
7 - With the distancing from aggression & management of sexual energy, it feels like my heart chakra is really blooming in my chest. There is this warm energy which is mixing with the outside world. I really want other people to be happy & feel good. Distinctly, I do not feel driven to analyze this or provide precise phenomenlogical description. All of that stuff feels like it takes place above the neck whereas this warmth activity has a separate home base (the torso). In my sits I have felt this increased silence & spaciousness. It feels so good to just relax into the vast backdrop of my mind that is my baseline now. I used my aforementioned “disenchantment gun” on physical & mental restlessness which seems to have greatly reduced them, allowing me to just enjoy formal practice. I also used it on self centeredness & noticed that the only way to truly connect with people is to really be interested in what they are saying, no matter they are talking about. I have been amazed to discover that it feels good to listen to people talk about things that are totally uninteresting to me. I realized that I have had trouble making friends because I only listen to people if they are talking about dhamma or if I am romantically attracted to them. It’s a great gift to be able to broaden that scope so that everyone is worth listening to.
8 - In terms of life logistics, I feel quite comfortable at my job; I am learning “hacks” to make self care easier; Same “hack” approach to diet, exercise & financials. When I met with Dhammarato & explained all of these nice practice developments, he congratulated me but also pointed out that there will continue to be new puzzles to deal with for the rest of my life & I will have to learn to stay “light on my feet”, always pivoting & adapting to whatever new types of dukkha life throws at me. I am beginning to see that an arahant is one with the most fluid ego & personality structure of all, one who has mastered the ability to “be like water” & with this power, maintain complete happiness in spite of all conditions.
I suspect that some will read this & think I am “trying too hard” or “clinging at changing myself or my situation” & that I “just need to accept that this is all completely normal for my life stage” & such. It bears repeating that I am quite happy, not clinging & simply enjoy this wonderful adventure of transformation. Also, I suspect most people who think the dhamma is only about releasing subtle striving at its core (& not much else) do not have the same goals as me ;)
We'll done.
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