May 2018

I had a major shift.  I was talking to one of my mentors & felt the inner camera meet a bodily sensation where it arose.  This was not only non-dual interoceptive consciousness (a type of luminosity - which I’ve had since March 2017).  It wasn’t just that the object was awake in it’s own quadrant. Rather, the attentional correlate on “my side” was dancing with it - meeting it perfectly as it arose & passed away.  A machine part had loosened.

After poking at this for a few days, I realized ‘the camera always moves with the movie frame.’  In other words, I can’t tell what comes first: the thing witnessed or the witness.  They effortlessly swing to & fro together.  After that, things got weird.  This new dance evolved into consciousness modalities such as:

• Like my sensory apparatus is a wormhole/vortex bending outwards/inwards to reality but also reality collapses back into my lens from behind
• Like the light of sentience shining through “me” as a magnifying glass which then refracts into the inner & outer world, displaying them

After this shift early in the month, I was lucky to attend a shaktipat transmission for 3 days with other SPUDS, taught by a master in the lineage of Bhagawan Nityananda.  I was surprised to find that the open-eyes transmission brought me into my body & not further ‘out’ into spacious awareness.  Once I was more internalized, I started crying & realized that I have a lot of work to do in the somatic arena.

That got me started on feeling my body, which my mentor helped me do by playing with things like tone of voice, posture & muscle relaxation.  I’ve been feeling early childhood memories (& seeing-hearing them) & the emotions in my body associated with them.  Trying to keep it in muscle & bone, not in ‘energy language.’   

Related to that, I’m really trying to be physically & energetically healthy.  I think my remaining mood symptoms could be arising from things like nutritional imbalance & somatic tension.

Also - I’ve really stopped caring about morality.  For the first time, I just want to work on accepting & becoming more aware of myself & world, rather than changing it.  

I’ve also been doing formal, seated practice & work to integrate sexuality that I stated a couple months ago.