August 2018

During the beginning of August, the shift into whole-knowing from July continued.  However, the knowing did not seem to be fully bloomed or unfolded into the expansive screen upon which experiences arises.  I practiced toggling back & forth between these foreground & background consciousnesses until they seemed to partially blend together.  This took place off cushion, over two weeks. 

In the second half of August, I did more formal sitting, practicing the sequence from the July retreat.  The instructions on investigation of boundaries proved to be fruitful.  Even while direct perception seemed fairly open, the secondary conceptual structures of personality, emotion, body, other people, society, the world, time, personal meaning & the path seemed to bust open when I pointed my awareness at them.  Through the course of maybe 15 or 20 repetitions of the retreat instructions, it felt as if I was “clearing the fields.”  This left the sense of a melted spread of non-identity thinly distributed across the gestalt of experience, with much less grasping at any particular points within it. 

As a result, certain morality tasks started to become less painful.  More visibility into the ‘bracing’ mechanism that wants to protect me from stress emerged.  I began to feel too lazy to resist my responsibilities (whereas before I was too lazy to act on them).  Out of this, a light-hearted playfulness seemed to suffuse even the condensed drama of triggering situations.  The exercise of willpower began to seem like an expression of play.

I also got off of the medication I take for insomnia in August, which I have been taking for nearly 10 years for sleep.  Since that time, I have been able to sleep consistently every night.  I attribute this to starting acupuncture treatment & also the psychological trick of asking for permission to gain entry into my subconscious at night.  

A new exemplar figure emerged around this time & seem to have both mythical & human components.  Symbols of fire, flying, masculinity & swords have accompanied this figure.  There is a greater sense of meaning & connection in the perfect parent as a result of this event.

I began to have memories that were not mine & that were of experiences in different historical periods & life situations.  Regardless of the ontological nature or provenance of these memories, investigating them for solidity proved valuable for gaining perspective that my life is just one among many & not worth getting too worked up about.  There was also quite a bit of emotional release involved in recalling these.  Some of that has continued to be of benefit through September.