January 2019

I had a weird new shift: the attention as a floating, spherical magnifying glass, lighting up whatever object it travels to as the center of the field.  The location in the body is no longer “home base” since it now flows around in a dance-like dynamic. Said another way, there is an enhanced sense of physical displacement, merging with objects of attention & knowledge of/connection with them.  

With this comes newfound connections between objects dancing together.  An intangible relationship between points in the field which are touching (despite apparent distance) or at least connected via living strings of electricity.  There were some moments when it seemed that planes of space were bending around me, or that it all became a level surface, like the movie Flatland.

This all seems to be a natural clarification & extension of vast, clear, centerlessness, rather than a conflict with it.  Things are where they are in space, from their vantage point, the center of the whole & there are always infinite numbers of these centerpoints being fabricated within perception.  The engine of this consciousness is one (in that there is individuated experience) but also many (with these co-occurring vantage points). Within this dialectic, there is relationship between points, knowledge of them as part of the totality but also as unique bits of data. I am excited to continue to explore the ramifications of it for the path as a whole & wisdom/insight axis in specific.  

I also began to play with the lens of agencylessness, which is an element of the awakened perspective that has not emerged strongly for me thus far.  What I have found is that intentions are “preferred sensations” that are not fully observed as just more causally arising phenomena. This obscuration emerges due to a hidden vedana tied up with the sense of control: owning “good” things, disowning “bad” things.  When the vedana is brought into the light, there is a sense of relief & freedom in vedana, intention & action all just springing forth & then washing away. I will continue to explore this one.

The following things continued from December: no-problemness-of-space shift; intermittent fasting; continuations from November also.  I was not able to stay with the reduced personal habit from last month - it seems that certain coping mechanisms are slower to drop away than others (not that they need to drop away or should be at all rejected).  My projects related to service have been delayed/paused, but the sense that service is “the most important thing” has deepened.

For ego development I have continued daily reading, Crash Course videos & news intake.  I find various moments of insight into the collective creation of samsara, intersection of human instinct & culture over time, generally becoming more pluralistic in my view of the world.  Specifically, Beyond Inclusion, Beyond Empowerment by Leticia Nieto is blowing my mind, opening up newfound potential for humanity stripped of boundaries/labels while also acknowledging the reality of oppression & my place in the social system.

I paused meetings with the mentor who I started with in 2018: that work has yielded awesome results & now is a good time to reconsolidate.  I’ve been practicing a more immediate type of positive feeling after seeing that my mental science practice is getting sloppy due to times when I allow negative proliferation.  An instant, nonconceptual, nonspecific vibration of “yes” is superior to a mental exercise of seeking the positivity in a series of moments. I’ve enjoyed non-spiritual hobbies & friendships this month & plan to stay with this momentum.  I went on a couple days of retreat with my spiritual friend, whose talks helped me to conceptually integrate an understanding of energy & imagination into practice: how certain esoteric practices are really pragmatic means of transformation that can be understood in a modern context & without watering down traditional details. The importance of the body, relationships, culture & generally using various tools & activities wisely to embody awakening has been clarified.