May 2019

In May, my on cushion practice was calm abiding on the breath & a pranayama technique I got from a book called “Mohini Vidya Sadhana & Siddhi.”  The pranayama practice makes me feel really energetically durable in the face of external pressures. I’ll be excited to see where it goes.

I had a session with my spiritual friend where they recommended I study Ayurveda.  This sent me into a perfectionistic tailspin followed by a deeper sense of surrender into the wholeness of life.  We also discussed general development & integration & that it is important that I nail down my conventional life stuff while young before I become more awakened so that I don’t become an unintegrated S.O.B. like many of those marred by scandal.  

My off cushion practice has centered on going beyond phenomenology (description in terms of color, shape, texture, frame rate, proprioception, chronoception, etc) & into levels of knowing that are independent of anything I could easily conjure words to describe.  Specifically I find that using dialectical self pointers helps with this. These are the madhyamaka-type nonduality (freedom from extremes).

I’ve been trying self hypnosis youtube videos to good effect.  They are helping clean up lingering negative scripts in my mind.  This, plus the pranayama practice is helping bolster the ongoing project of gaining certain social skills.   I had some ideas for future service that I didn’t act on but could in the future, like starting an effective altruism club at the large company I work at.  I went on one of the first vacations I’ve ever planned in my life. It was fun. I’ve never had the mental space to plan & implement that type of thing before.  

I got some clarification on a proposed map forward from a friend.  The order in which things become cleaned up being perception, emotion, thought & conduct.  I had some interesting energy body purifications, specifically around the lower chakras. I had 2 semi lucid dreams & a handful of seeming “past life memories” spontaneously arise in meditation (quoted because taken with a grain of salt).  I found stoicism interesting for a about a week. This is the first time I’ve been able to feel bad & take right action anyway, without antidoting the bad feeling in some subtle way first