December 2019

In December, I continued with calm abiding breath practice, inspired by TMI.  I had a decent shift a few weeks in, likely related to doing this practice steadily for a couple months by that time.  Somehow a layer of dukkha tied up in the very movement of attention itself (regardless of object) came uncovered. It also probably helped that by this time I had been on the neurotransmitter supplements for almost 6 months.  Specifically, I saw that I will always need to deal with a degree of frustration in my life & basic friction of day to day circumstances (see “samsara”). So I shouldn’t rely on habituation to gradually make things easier until pain disappears & I shouldn’t expect some Super-Surrender (™) to eventually open my chakras fully.  Instead, I need to use grounded, rational thinking to manage my emotions & have reasonable expectations for things. After this - doing a lot of manual tasks & chores became much easier. This benefit is still in place as I write this, 3 months later.

In terms of calm abiding technique, I was doing the connecting tactic from TMI.  I had some passing observation of what it’s like to not control the breath (maybe 2nd nana).  I sat quite a bit, 2 or more hours a day. I got in some weird moods also - looking up things related to Western Magick & Tummo (on separate occasions).  I spent more time philosophizing: on traditional vs integral dharma; how the 3 yanas fit together; how to prove or disprove the existence of karma & rebirth; that traditional dharma “starts” when one is practicing to benefit future lives.  I think, in this time, I was trying the “traditional dharma glasses” on for size, playing with ideas. I also add some semi serious thoughts - probably related to the insight in the first paragraph, about the possibility of ordaining as a Buddhist monk in the future.