July 2020

I dropped the habits again for about 9 days at the beginning of July, due to work stress.  This caused me to get a bit reactive & obsessive about how to prevent further “relapses”.  As work stress was the cause, I decided to switch teams under the same employer, a move I completed in September.  

I met with my spiritual friend & asked them for advice about how to prevent further habit disruptions.  They advised me to focus on the “up” (aspect of transcendence/dignity/optimism) & “right” (aspect of getting things done) energies of the torso/heart chakra area.  While I was doubtful this would work, as I could not find reference to it in any Buddhadharma source, they grounded it in the dharma, as a method of stabilizing the 5 prana vayu.  They also explained that focusing on the heart area in this way helps to manage the overall energy of one’s being & integrate the personality/ego with more subtle levels.  They expanded that this is likely what is being pointed to with the centrality of bodhicitta in Tibetan Buddhist teaching.  They also pointed out that my ego (frustration/resistance in this case) is “hiding inside” my perceptual clarity/awareness & thus is not integrated/aligned.

These explanations convinced me to give the up/right mindfulness a go.  I went at it, on & off cushion.  Miraculously, it worked.  The sensation of being able to redirect the energy of frustration by triggering these more pure pathways has been liberating.  As of writing this entry, I have not had a habit “relapse” in 8 weeks.  

In other areas, I continued with my exploration of racial equity from prior months, contemplating how this fits in with bodhisattva altruism.  I also found myself exploring talks by Soryu Forall & other members of the Monastic Academy.  I find their hard-nosed proof-in-pudding style of pragmatic integral Mahayana to be very inspiring.  

I got a follow up neurotransmitter test & was pleased to see that 6 months of amino acid therapy had brought serotonin, epinephrine & norepinephrine to healthy levels, while leaving room for improvement with gabba & dopamine.  With my naturopath’s guidance, I increased the gabba supplement & added an additional one for dopamine - these adjustments seem to be working quite nicely.  The improvements to my mood & behavioral stability allowed me to continue with healthy habit development, as I started overnight backpacking & surfing.

In more miscellaneous notes, I did some more kurukulle practice; I took an online Lama Surya Das retreat that was really good & led to some micro shift relating to altruism; I noticed interesting tingling effects from the vase breath portion of the 5 tsa lung exercises; I mused on how certain esoteric tantra practices are actually destabilizing for me despite their allure; I continued to deepen thinking around identity & desire from prior months.