May 2020

In May, my relative insight from April around relationships & communication deepened.  There were more epiphanies about ownership of my identity & desires.  I explored some perfect-parent type practices with other friend & family figures to help round out some of these insights.  I contemplated the “agent-arena match”: how one must present a different self depending on the situation in life.  I also mused about the shortcomings of individualist culture & how total well-being can be deepened by harkening back to the hunter-gatherer roots of humanity.  This line of inquiry led me back to Integral-type writing for the first time in a while & I thought about how the ideal future civilization would be able to combine technological advance with basic collectivist values & connectivity.

I met with my spiritual friend who gave my practice the stamp of approval.  To my surprise, they encouraged my “no emotions” line of inquiry from April, framing it as a healthy hatred for samsara & a tantric repurposing of aggression.  They agreed with this approach because we have done a lot of the “feeling emotions” line of work already, so they know I am not unskillfully repressing.  Unfortunately, the effects of this insight did fizzle out in June.  

I continued with all healthy habits from prior months, except for 2 days, twice in May, when work stress overpowered my discipline.  I also started hiking more consistently.  It has been nice to get more into muggle life in this sort of way.  The 2020 pattern of being drawn towards traditional dharma continued, as I had some fleeting inspiration to take up a traditional ngondro.