September 2020

In formal practice, I continued following the instructions from the tummo retreat.  I learned more about the early signs of success in the practice which involve the ability to call up & maintain the heat in the tummo spot with intention, at any time.  This is all before getting to the melting of white thigle.  I would begin to notice this after a few months of daily practice.  I also completed setting up a traditional buddist altar & continued working on my sitting posture & flexibility.

In informal practice, I maintained the mindfulness of up & right torso energy from July & August, but started to notice it’s limitations in not always regulating my mood for habit consistency.  This led me to ponder the importance of controlling one's feelings to free up space both for personal functioning & interpersonal service.  I also worked with mindfulness of the earth & water elements which I had started in August as a balance for working with fire.  I would call up images & feelings associated with earth & water & then allow them to absorb into my mind-body.  Lastly, I started playing with the instructions from stage 6 in Thusness/AEN’s 7 stage map.  I believe stage 6 is my cutting edge in fundamental perception.  I haven’t continued consistently with this but it definitely feels like something I want to eventually nail down.

I had a meeting with my spiritual friend, where I asked about how to further harmonize lust energy.  They advised me to enjoy the act of desiring itself; to feel the satisfaction that is already present in that; in simply relating to or even just sharing physical vicinity with others.  They explained that this practice is connected to the Kriya Tantra & the 1st stage of Karmamudra practice; I later verified this through hearing a talk from Dr Nida.  They also explained how this desire is generated by the 2nd chakra, concentrated into the self by the 3rd & radiated by the 4th, all within the context of intersecting toroidal energy fields of people.   I began to quickly have a subjective somatic verification of this explanation when I tried the practice.  I felt a warmth radiate from the pelvis up through the navel & then spread out when it hit the heart.  This seemed related to but not the same as the tummo heat.  I began to practice this every time lustful desire arose & have continued over the next months.  I believe this has marked the true beginning of the end of this particular “big issue.” 

I continued my other studies, including the aforementioned tummo retreat, as well as a longer Vajrayana retreat covering all aspects of a particular cycle in a Rime tradition.  I found that I could relate to this cycle, as it was associated with an integral approach to dharma & life, the potential for rapid progress on the path, a loosening of some of the rigid secrecy & a lack of threats around vajra hell.  I also listened to more talks from the Monastic Academy on the hardcore-total ethics approach they take, reflecting on both the strengths & limitations of that.  I particularly found their explicit rejection of humanist philosophy to be refreshing, having not encountered that elsewhere.  I read more to round out my foundation of Mahayana sutra knowledge, finding common themes throughout all schools which helped to strengthen faith in the authenticity of Vajrayana teachings.  I started reading How to Be An Anti Racist with a book club from the traditional dharma center where I took refuge. 

I went on a road trip with a friend through Idaho & Montana that included ATV’ing, Kayak camping & multi-day backpacking in Glacier National Park.  Glacier in particular was the most breathtaking nature I have ever encountered, including ancient mountains, lakes, flowery meadows & animal sightings (grizzlies, goats, marmots, hawks).  I can feel these adventures doing good things to my mind although I can’t pin down exactly what.  When I came back, there was wildfire smoke in my carpet which caused asthma symptoms & mood instability in turn, revealing the precarious equilibrium I continue to work with.

In other areas, I met with my naturopath & we decided to stay the course of current supplements with another neurotransmitter test planned for late November (the 6 month mark).  I continued with a series of microneedling sessions & basic skin care regimen new in 2020, finding it refreshing to have the inner space to do this & a relief to not have occasional cystic acne.  I had more, similar thoughts on gender roles & communication, meeting with a mentor (who I didn’t continue with) who expressed interesting alternate perspectives.  My habits were disrupted a few times, once relating to alcohol consumption (albeit only a few drinks over dinner).  My naturopath recommended bioavailable curcumin to counter this, which appears to have worked in later instances.  I also began to think about adding in the last layer of habits I have planned, which includes things around creativity, reading & socializing.