December 2020

As a meta-note about this log, I am noticing my tendency towards longer entries with an emphasis on study & theory lately.  I don’t want to leave the specifics out because forming my paradigm is a key overall part of my path, even if not about direct meditation experience.  Also, as my practice has matured, the need for better conceptual knowledge has arisen.

 

For on-cushion in December, I gathered the tummo “hacks” from various retreats in a list to get a better overview & select what works for me.  Specific additions included envisioning/feeling the heat spread throughout & toroidally around the body; playing with actual vs imagined heat; learning to balance emphasis on seeing vs feeling heat; shaking & covering sense organs to help move bliss around.  A note from one of the retreats that the white thigle bliss should not overpower the fire motivated me to further bolster my heat development.  I had some interesting experiences, ranging from borderline unpleasant, to neutral lip numbness, to an a&p in which a wave of powerful physical bliss washed into my mind.  Connecting with the lineage founder from the vajrayana retreat I had been doing seemed to help amplify these experiences.  I appreciated how there was always some bliss, regardless of what nana/vipassana jhana I found myself in.  The actual sequence of my practice was the same as last month, including horse stance & savasana - causing it to go up to 90 minutes long.  I did stop my “full lotus project”, surrendering to the fact that it simply isn’t necessary or safe to develop, even if I do it extremely gradually (which I had been).

 

In the off-cushion realm, I also connected with the lineage founder.  The practice seemed to make me a bit manically agitated, which I had noticed with various forms of guru yoga.  Whether due to a literal external influence or placebo, this category of practice seemed to be an energy dump.  I was inspired by a very simple version of the guru yoga that involved connecting directly, with minimal visualization or mantra.

 

In terms of habits, I fell “off the wagon” for a week due to the stress of learning a new job.  Even so, I saw an end in sight as I added some of the last batch I have had in mind - notably getting back in touch with family & friends.  I saw that some of my sensitivity to & phobia of this activity had been helpfully shaved away over time.  I also had a big insight that I have to enjoy each habit on it’s own terms for the unique pleasure it brings me, rather than cultivating a general sense of detached joy, which ultimately encourages binary labels of ‘low’ vs ‘high’ functioning.  Much of my mindfulness work from prior years & techniques from 2020 (torso directions, earth/water element) were more about this blanketed detachment, which by this point was not helpful.  I began to apply this customized appreciation off cushion & am still finding it helpful over a month later.

 

My tummo research uncovered: an emphasis on layers of increasingly subtle bliss (like the jhanas); how the practice unlocks the other 5 yogas by awakening the chakras associated with each; specifically how it allows one to enter the central channel & emerge in the illusory body.  Illusory body study highlights included: that kalachakra skips illusory body, in favor of direct alchemical transmutation; clarifying the levels of subtle mind leading up to clear light (which are like another POI); the images of leaping out of that clear light in a form made of 5 lights (vs reemerging 5 elements); what one does with that light form once developed (multiply & serve); & how this all lines up with the 10 bhumis & 5 paths. Dzogchen readings revealed: anuyoga’s method of focus on deity’s presence over visualization; how dzoghcen’s approach is stylistically similar to pragmatic dharma (using one’s own intelligence); that rushen is similar to emptiness practice in its function; a review of shargrol, rangrol & dudrol; & different types of terma.  Lastly, in the topic of karmamudra: how red & white thigle function in the physiology of each sex; that the actual practice develops into literal control of the hormonal system; & that kundalini is a form of thigle, which is in turn just a concentration of lung.

 

In other news, I felt some of my enthusiasm for the hardcore ethics approach of past months start to become tempered by a practical recognition of my luck at having a good, stable job, even if at a non-dharmic corporation.  I realized that it would make the most sense for me to realize maximum ethical living in my current scenario before uprooting myself.  I also got another neurotransmitter test & found that my serotonin levels had increased from 350 to over 2000 (mcg/g creatinine - recommended level is 250) in 6 months, despite being on the same supplements & most of the same healthy habits since last test.  The only difference was 4 months of regular tummo/thigle practice.  My naturopath agreed that the meditation likely caused the jump & we made a plan for me to get off of the 5htp supplement.  This move was completed & I have not noticed any adverse effects.  I am grateful that my practice is paying off in material ways.  The doctor also increased my gaba & added in an ashwagandha supplement.  Both of these adjustments have been great, allowing for uninterrupted habit stability & greater patience in all areas.