March 2021

On cushion I continued with the sequence from prior months.  Of particular note was offering things that were closer to home (accompanied by lightness after); letting confession humble me & the slightly uncomfortable relief of admitting things; fully caring about others in bodhicitta meditation (with the foundation of seeing commonalities, then equalizing); adding in “privilege meditation” (a technique I devised to attempt to perspective-take with target rank group members); seeing all prayers as network of altruism which leads to having faith & prostrating as “getting with this program”; the water meditation coming to fruition (after 8 months) with all subtle aspects of the field dissolving into bubbles; adding “reverence meditation” (imagining myself at famous Buddhist places & feeling awe at age & size of tradition) to set up guru yoga; adding a gratitude contrast practice into my sequence.  I tried to tune into some ultra-light jhana factors to set up & amplify breath continuity & that did not work.  

In terms of tummo & thigle breathing, I experimented with the thigle pouring down the central channel on descension (feeling literal wetness) & sucking it up the central channel (like a straw) on ascension; finally bringing the thigle up to the head center & opening it out toroidally to successfully avoid headaches; then moving thigle up & down emphasizing lower centers like a pyramid; noticing that the tummo is there whenever I place my attention (even without physical or imaginal engagement); seeing how this practice overall keeps me “tuned” (yet feeling an aversion to relying on that); noticing the same nondual bliss pathways activating in actual karmamudra.  

I went on a four day peer-organized retreat in scenic Winthrop, WA with the SPUDS.  I practiced concentration with the breath at the nose & noticed a lot of thought volume as usual but little mood swings, stress or other instability in spite of going through the knowledges of suffering & practicing for 10+ hours per day (which was new).  I used the comparison/connecting game inspired by TMI but with a bit more detail & found that to be a helpful anchor, reaching what I think would be stage 5 of the 9 stages of Kamalasila by the end.  I experienced knowledge of a&p & eq as well but did not get “high” off of it like I have in the past.  The retreat made me want stable concentration as a tool/set up for future retreats.

I had a meeting with my spiritual friend which covered a variety of topics including the fact that I likely won’t be able to really develop concentration except on retreat/with major sitting time in daily life.  They also advised that I not go for full on insight/completion stage at this time since I am still in a reconstructive phase where I am working on habits.

Off cushion I continued with pure perception practice from last month, focusing on how all people’s (enlightened buddhas) actions are enlightened activities (this “clicked” after about a week continuous).  I then spent a lot of time trying to attend to the breath at the nose in daily life (or just see-hear out) after the retreat in hopes of keeping concentration up.  I had some insight experiences that I thought might be steps towards this but did not last.  I also considered working more with the Awakening to Reality map & the stage 6 practices, but this did not stick.  I also noticed some insights around my tendency towards grumpiness/irritation with certain family members, strangers (i.e. customer service) & coworkers, slowly feeling that I am ready to let go of some of that (although making no major steps yet).  I did notice a major shift in intimacy/jealousy issues, having entered a relationship for the first time in over 5 years & seeing that they appear to be mostly gone (at least for this sample size of a few months).  Related to the altruism theme from on cushion, I had an insight that with the bodhisattva & allyship work, you are always on call.  There is never a moment where it is okay to sacrifice your values, even if it is inconvenient for you.  I have a long way to go before really deeply embodying this.  I can see that this more practical application of the brahma viharas is due to moving up Maslow’s hierarchy more recently.

In terms of my habits, I noticed it became much easier to practice brahmacarya & this did continue into future months, representing a big shift in a long time irritation for me.  I also generally saw that I had more resilience on stressful days.  I tried another 3 day water fast & got into keto flu beforehand which made things easier this time.  I tried experimenting with less sleep which did not work, although I do seem to be having some decrease in sensitivity to that.  I noted some habit momentum of doing each thing for its own benefit.  I added in cold showers at the suggestion of my spiritual friend, which I have continued in future months.  After comparing notes with some friends on a similar track, I realize that the supplements alone are not the cause of my newfound stability, rather they are bringing out the latent potentials from everything else I have done.  Based on that understanding, I started to rethink if I needed tummo to maintain habits (i.e. to maintain serotonin).  Lastly, I enjoyed the process of re-learning snowboarding as a skill-building adventure.  

In study & theory practice, I learned another kind of thigle breathing; I took another retreat program on completion stage that clarified many aspects of how it all fits together & where tummo eventually leads; saw how some teachers are very precise about trul khor; took a course on Tibetan “magick” & typology; how buddhas eventually rest in cessation like arahants & many other random topics (madhyamaka, tibetan medicine, levels of empowerment, dharmapalas, dzogchen).  I spoke with my spiritual friend about how tummo will manifest with different kinds of people (bliss vs awareness) & how energy body practices can be reconstructed as long as they relate to the underlying reality of the energy body.  I read the books Desire: Tantric Path to Awakening (this was ok - recommended by spiritual friend), Grounds & Paths of Guhyasamaja (exact mechanism of buddhahood in tantra), Be the Refuge (anti racism “close to home” in the dharma) & finished the books Don’t Be a Jerk (Brad Warner’s Shobogenzo translation which was ok), Beyond Inclusion Beyond Empowerment (a formative allyship book for me).  I had a lot of further thoughts on conservative vs progressive dharma, particularly seeing how the latter (including monsticism) is key for preservation through the centuries & the former is key for individual paths & ultimately being more deeply able to appreciate both sides than before.  I had thoughts on allyship being spontaneous dharma teaching to other agent rank group members & other contemplations in that arena.

In other news, I considered starting a meditation coaching practice (primarily focused on noting & a “balanced approach” to the progress of insight) in order to raise money for Effective Altruism.  My spiritual friend encouraged me in this idea, as did Dhammarato.  After mulling the idea over some more, I decided this is not the right time for that.  I also enjoyed guiding meditations at my employer, finding that I am able to guide into do-nothing/awareness style meditation states & these are very popular (vs noting or other attention based techniques).  I continued work for a 6th month on a dharma non profit pre launch with a group of friends & also contemplated how little acts of service contribute to the big picture (as opposed to a more effective altruist outlook).