April 2021

 Meta note on this log: I’m going to decrease my writing on everything other than actual practice.  Too much study/conceptual stuff that ultimately doesn’t matter.

In April I continued with the prelim-tummo-jnanamudra sequence as a main practice.  I noticed various effects that seemed to be improvements.  Specifically that resting into the central channel in the moments of bliss was clear & it can take the form of electricity or spinal breathing.  Also that I could tune into a sense of lust/desire to increase the bliss and vacuity, depending on point in the sequence. I thought about how I’m not really doing the serious version of tummo in that I’m not seeing the dissolutions, nor am I ready for it.  But I do just need to be available in the moments of bliss, for whatever signs do emerge.  I noticed qualitative differences in ascending & descending bliss processes.  I also continued to experiment with brahmacarya & bandhas in the lower gates as an enhancement practice, finding that to amplify the bliss on cushion.  The prelims also continued to develop, with touching meditations on injustice & compassion.  

I alternated formal practice sessions with TMI breath focus, going between stage 3 & 4.  I used off cushion focus to try to bolster & learned that it’s more important to cultivate awareness than attention off cushion.  This helped me notice distractions earlier in their development & felt like more of a witness of all experience. I used the “comparison game” to intently notice the various qualities of the breath - a mechanism to increase attention power.

Off cushion I noticed my own obnoxiousness, entitlement & passive aggressiveness coming out.  I noticed a desire to let go of these traits for the first time.  I practiced using the breath to try to let go of the impulse to speak from these places.  I had various insight experiences that didn’t stick.  I noticed lots of mood swings but an overall trend towards increasing stability, particularly since I was on a road trip for part of the month & thus not in regular routines.  I thought a lot about altruism & generosity & it’s centrality on the path.  I continued to study lots of amazing & informative resources on buddhist tantra.