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Milestones

As of 3/28/2020, I no longer identify as having realized any stage on a traditional map of awakening.  However, all positive effects of practice described within this journal are true to my direct, ongoing experience.  

1 - January 2015

I was trying to follow this need I felt to allow reality to be inherently pleasurable, forever.  As I thought this, it felt like someone blew a hole in my crown chakra (I think of Fight Club’s final scene in which Tyler Durden shoots himself in the head).  

2 - July 2015

An idea popped into my head; the stuff inside my body is the same as the stuff outside of it.  The tension associated with fundamental duality arises out of a perceived dissonance between inside and outside.  If I could let my inner field vibrate at the same frequency as the external field, like a tuning fork, then life really could be inherently pleasurable.  There was a warm, shaking, pillow of energy that arose through my body.  Then it felt like I released a large amount of psychic waste from my system.  After this moment, everything became much more quiet.  

3 - July 2016

The sense of processing from within the body is greatly reduced, and the sense of being ‘out there’ with the field has been enhanced.  The internal world also is greatly freed to just be itself and bear its own significance in the psychic space.  [...]  There is a sense of floating consciousness not necessarily confined to time and space.  

4- March 2017

I felt this psychic force turn inwards.  In that moment, I realized that force was extra effort. [...] With the dropping away of this force, the two big “rooms” (inner and outer) seem to have become one big room. [...]

It was as if someone had turned up the saturation knob in Photoshop.  I felt pure, exquisite delight looking at these colors and it was as if all the objects that contained them were somehow alive and possessed with my identical ‘spirit’ or ‘consciousness.

5 - August 2017

This month, those two aspects effortlessly fused together such that I no longer was able to toggle between the two modes of nonduality.  Also, the vibrancy of objects previously took place on the surface of the object.  It has now deepened into a volumetric knowing which penetrates into the depth of everything.  There is a visceral, uncanny familiarity to the outside world, as if I were looking at parts of my own body or my own reflection in a mirror.  It feels like I’m “zoomed in”, as if I were looking through a microscope lens or maybe moving forward out of head & into the air around me (hard to express).  It is very pleasant.  

6 - May 2018

It wasn’t just that the object was awake in it’s own quadrant. Rather, the attentional correlate on “my side” was dancing with it - meeting it perfectly as it arose & passed away.  [...]  I realized ‘the camera always moves with the movie frame.’  In other words, I can’t tell what comes first: the thing witnessed or the witness.  They effortlessly swing to & fro together.  [...]  Like my sensory apparatus is a wormhole/vortex bending outwards/inwards to reality but also reality collapses back into my lens from behind.  Like the light of sentience shining through “me” as a magnifying glass which then refracts into the inner & outer world, displaying them

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